I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize