Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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