Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
