1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
