goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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