I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize