I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
