I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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