Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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