I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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