I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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