You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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