btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
