First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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