I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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