She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
