anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
