If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize