So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize