my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
