The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
