Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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