I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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