i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
