Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
