I wish my penis had an off switch
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
