I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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