FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
