I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
