new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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