She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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