I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
