he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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