I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
