At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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