pop tarts are not kleenex
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
