Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize