Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize