I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
