apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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