i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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