I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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