1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
