I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
