I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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