Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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