Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
