So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
