Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
