Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
