did you get engaged???
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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