At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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