I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
