I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
