I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
