my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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