I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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