We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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